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A joke that I thought was rather good...

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Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what do you do for a living" ?

Horse says " I run on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".
Donkey says "I work with the kids on Blackpool beach" .

Then he asks "did you win anything"? Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cupâ€.

They got on well so arranged to meet at the donkey's house a week later. "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , Donkey thinks.
So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace,. The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall"?

Donkey replies " that's me when I played for Juventus.

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Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what do you do for a living" ?

 

Horse says " I run on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".

Donkey says "I work with the kids on Blackpool beach" .

 

Then he asks "did you win anything"? Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cupâ€.

 

They got on well so arranged to meet at the donkey's house a week later. "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , Donkey thinks.

So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace,. The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall"?

 

Donkey replies " that's me when I played for Juventus.

lol

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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you know what really grinds my gears ?

 

clutch failure

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As it's 1st June (Blame Geddy for this)....

[11:46am] <@Hisao> !quote strawberry
[11:46am] <@sm14|lappy> "I went to the world strawberry picking championships today.... a woman with no legs won....... jammy cunt !!!!! - Troutman - 03/09/2003 " {(mpu34 #287)} {(1 results)}

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A Scottish woman walks into her bedroom and catches her husband wanking into a wellie...


"Och aye Jock" she yells - "you dirty barsted... stop fooking aboot"!!  ;)


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I like taking the p1ss

out of adverts on the telly.

 

A couple that come to mind...

 

The M&M advert.

 

Scott,it's not what it looks like.

You were gonna suck him off without me!

Pervert inside the wardrobe watching.

Scott's home early

 

 

Or

 

The Fairy washing up liquid advert

Where the boy waiting for the bottle

to empty to build his space ship....

Crossing off his calendar as it takes so long.

And on 25th December it's finally empty,and dad says,there you go my son.

 

Merry Christmas

 

 

Even cruder...

 

The washing powder advert Where

the fit young girl says...

There are mystery stains in

My panties?

 

Wake up!

Your brother is

throwing one off the wrist

into them

 

 

Another is the VI-Poo advert.

Even a VIP needs the vi poo treatment.

She desperately needs to visit the

doctors as there are holes in her shit.

 

Don't start me lol.

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Done a disco for

Women with no legs.

 

The dance floor was crawling

In pussy!!!!

 

 

 

I know I know!

 

Putting my coat on lol

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Back to the adverts.

 

One particularly annoys me.

 

Always discreet pants for weak bladder

Where she feels protected and pretty!

 

And she turns round to show you the shape of her big fat botty !

Judging by her size

She needs large knickers to cover it.

As for pretty

Any bloke wanting to take those off a bird deserves the consequences of the

weak bladder.

 

Someone Defo taking the p1ss.

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Lol

The Head and shoulders advert.

 

Where she says

It's so soft....

I can't stop touching it.

 

She should

Touch it some more.And it

will go hard!!!

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A bloke and his missus are out rambling one afternoon and come across a country pub, both a little hungry they decide to go in and have some food. They order the food and go out into the beer garden where they see at the bottom a donkey with a sign that reads 'make the donkey laugh and your meal is on us'  "Well how hard can that be?" says the bloke to his girl so off he goes down to the donkey, and has a word in his ear and in only a few moments the donkey is laughing hysterically!

 

At that moment the food arrives along with the owner of the pub and say well congratulations, your meal is on us! Enjoy.....wow no one has ever managed that!

 

A few weeks later the bloke and his girl are out walking again when they think we need something to eat, and remembered the pub nearby with the donkey....... "ah lets go back there and we can eat for free", good idea, she replies, so of they go to the pub. However when they get there to her dismay the sign has now been changed.

 

It now reads 'Make the donkey cry and your meal is on us'  Not deterred the man swiftly approaches the donkey and again within a few moments, the donkey, this time is sobbing, totally crying its eyes out !!!

 

 

After a little more time the food arrives, and the donkey is still crying and the publican says " i dont believe it, you done it again!, you can have your meal on the house, but please, please tell me how did you do it??

 

 

Man:-  Well it was quite easy really, the first time i just told the donkey i had a bigger cock than he had, the second time, I showed the donkey it"

 

 

:)   

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The waitress said, “are you ready to order?”

 

“My wife is in the ladies, “ I said

 

“Do you know what she’s having?”

 

“Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit.”

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Farmers boy

Wakes up with his first ever

erection.

 

Runs downstairs....

Dad,dad

Look! It won't go down!

 

Dad says

I got something for that.

Go into the field and rub in

2 handfuls of cow dung!

 

In the field

Was his sister.

Hey what you doing?

 

Boy replies

Look,it won't go down!

 

Sister says

I have something for that

and drops her knickers.

 

Put it in here she says.

 

So he did.

Both hand fulls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's too hot to put a coat on lol.

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Every day Steve walks up to fellow co worker Sharon stops and inhales quite deeply and tells her, her hair smells nice

 

After a week of this, Sharon cant stand it anymore, she takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment case against the guy.

 

The supervisor is puzzled and asks "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice

 

"It's Steve the dwarf"

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Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.”

 

I couldn't if I tried.

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With all this media attention on celebrity abuse during the 70's, I'd like to press charges against Pan's People who made me abuse myself at 7 o'clock every Friday night from the age of 11.

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What can go up a chimney down but cant go down a chimney up ??????

 

 

 

 

An umbrella

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Why did the tomato blush.

 

Because it saw the salad dressing.

Thats it,bottom of the barrel is clean.

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Sorry guys just remembered this

Doctor asked me if i have trouble passing water.I said i once had a dizzy spell going over trent bridge.

Worth a chuckle

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I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

 

Maybe should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca

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